It was never your fault.
Dear Younger Jill,
First of all, your world is not coming to an end.
I know right now, you’re in bed, crying your eyes out and threatening your boyfriend with suicide if he decides to break things off with you.
I also know you can feel my eyes rolling, and the sense of being judged is overwhelming you. You’re thinking “it’s bad enough that other people judge me, now my 32 year old self is judging me too?”
No, I’m not. I’m here to tell you what your mother should have been there to tell you — it will get better and it’s no use crying over a boy like that.
You’re probably thinking “isn’t my mother your mother too?”
They’re the same person, but two very different individuals.
She’s not there with you now, and the only memories you have of her are the ones where she’s either in bed or stuck in front of the computer, and her constant yelling over your little wrong doings.
It seemed like nothing you did was ever good enough for her.
Even then, when she left two years ago, you convinced yourself that it was because of you, and that she didn’t love you.
I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. It was FOR you.
You miss her but you’re also angry at her. You refuse to speak to her when she calls and you refuse to speak about her to anyone. It will be that way for awhile, but you need to know why she did what she did.
She did not want to burden her teenage daughter with the turmoil of her depression, especially when you’re going through one of the most exciting part of your life.
You needed a stronger parent to guide and support you, and she knew your father would have been able to do that better without having to take care of her as well.
She was right.
It wasn’t fair for you or dad. But you had each other, and he made you the strong woman I am today.
She’ll come back into your life in a few years and it’ll take another few to mend the broken relationship. But you’ll be glad you gave her that opportunity.
That’s when she’ll start becoming my mother — the loving woman who supports and rallies for me and someone I can confide in.
My advice to you is to not take so long to forgive her. She’ll always be there for you, but you’ll be moving far away from her to start your own life and family.
Treasure the time you will have with her and let go of the anger you feel for her now. I know you think she should have tried talking to you, but you’ll realize you wouldn’t have understood what she was going through until much later.
This will be the biggest lesson in forgiveness for you.
Now back to that boy you’re crying over.
Wipe your tears and sit up because you need some tough love.
Stop being so dramatic.
You’re not going to kill yourself if he breaks up with you. You know it deep down that it’s not worth it. Don’t try to guilt him into staying with you just because he’s done the same to you. You’re not karma.
He is just the beginning of many more heartbreaks. This is your first real relationship and I still have no idea why our father allowed you to date at such a young age. But you’ll learn a lot from this and the other ones to come.
I know it’s hard to process all the different feelings you’re having. It probably feels like being on a never-ending rollercoaster.
Some days, it feels like he’ll be the one you marry. On other days, you have this nagging feeling that you deserve better.
It wasn’t your fault he cheated on you. You were right to not have sex when you weren’t ready. You’re strong that way and you’ll just grow stronger.
He may seem like everything you’ve ever wanted, but let’s face it — you don’t really know what you want, and you certainly don’t know what you need yet.
He’ll take away your trust in people for awhile. He’ll give you the presumption that it is normal to feel insecure, jealous, and insignificant if you’re in relationship. How else would you show him you love him if you didn’t get jealous over every little thing?
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
You’ll learn that a loving relationship consists of mutual respect, genuine admiration, support for each other, and team work.
You’ll find yourself coming out stronger after each heartbreak. You’ll struggle with trust issues for while, especially in your next relationships. But you’ll come to realize that the right one for you will never give you a reason to not trust him.
Things always happen for a reason.
It feels horrible having to go through it and sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You’ll just have to toughen up and try to find the silver lining in everything.
That’s how you’ll start looking at life and that is what will make you stronger.
If I could tell you to change one thing in your life right now, it would be to not let the negativity get to you.
You’ve always allowed other people’s opinion deter you from what you truly want to do. It is time to stop and listen to your heart and mind a little more.
Figure out what you really want to do, who are you now and who do you want to be, what do you want out of life, and how are you going to achieve all of that.
Don’t let people’s opinion steer you away from the path you want to build for yourself. Don’t be dwell in the toxic things people say about you.
You are not spoilt. You are not fat, and you are definitely not dumb.
You are a beautiful, intelligent young girl with a good head on her shoulders, with a little touch of color and drama.
You’ll prove all that to them one day, and even then it won’t be enough. But it wouldn’t matter anymore because you’ve outgrown it. You’ll come to realize that people can act any way they want. That is the judge of their character. How you respond to it is a judge of yours.
I promise that once you learn to love yourself, you will become the best version of yourself. Listen and trust yourself, and everything will fall into place.